I am a computer .. I am upgradable but the space I came with is near the end .. I’ve uploaded so much.. Thinking my space is limitless .. I’ve suffered viruses along the way but stuffed them into quarantine .. But they are there and they exist … I’ve stored every cookie and flippantly cleaned my history .. I’ve accessed tech support .. Anything that came free .. I found ways to get round lack of functionality … And I’ve crashed so many times .. I see that to be able to continue I need help so I gain advice on how I can make things work somewhat efficient again.. But I ignore the blue screen and re start myself and ignore the warning signs of complete shut down … One day I try and realise that this cannot continue so I look for proper advice .. I realise I can make things work again but I need to purchase more space .. More room .. More function .. However I’m no expert so I look for advice and I’m told yes you have room for more space and if installed properly I will be up and running again … But if I don’t look after this once again I will be back to where I started ..
Anyone reading this will think this women has lost the plot … But this was my thought process after my second meeting today with my psychologist …
Basically I’ve spend years going through trauma after trauma and I’ve trained my brain to think I don’t have time for this but my brain has said no you need to rest … I’ve ignored this and despite tiredness .. Despite being in pain and despite feeling and being ill I’ve given it no peace .. I’ve not be able to because other people have needed me .. I’ve needed to be strong .. I had to continue… Who else would have done this .. I sort one problem .. One issue .. One trauma to be met with another … I’ve become a time bomb .. I cannot possibly rest In case I’m needed again .. I write this loosely but I’m talking about the death of a child …. Being protective over another In case it happens again .. It happens again I feel out of control and I continue .. My body is crippled with tiredness .. I’m hungry I’m exhausted I’m done but no I continue… I am needed .. I have to continue.. Another trauma another trauma another trauma …. I continue .. I get ill .. I can’t stop I continue… I get ill again and I continue .. I’m needed ..,I get ill again and I brought to a grinding halt .. I take stock for a while .. My brain says wow are we here yet … Nope I’m good again and I continue.. My brain has had enough .. It’s given me enough warning so it throws what it has at this point … I get breathless .. I cough and cough and I can’t breath .. I’m admitted to AE and put on a nebuliser .., I’m put on steroids .. I’m brought to a grinding halt .. I’m poorly for 3 months … My brain says yeeee ha I’ve done it … Now she is listening … Maybe we can rest now and be a normal person .. I get better and I’m faced with another bout of trauma .. I’m back in the game .. Back in the race… I can’t stop otherwise everyone won’t be ok … I won’t be ok .. I start to hurt .. I’m fatigued my brain has had enough and it’s only last request to protect the person and the mind it helps to function is to shut it down bit by bit .. It knows this person is now all out of options .. I’m going to make every pain extra painful .. I’m going to stop you sleeping because without restorative sleep you won’t die but you won’t function .. I’m going to make every action feel like your wearing a concrete overcoat .. Yep this will slow you down .. I WILL MAKE YOU LISTEN … However this person has had to be strong for so long and will fight all of this tooth and nail .. But through education .. Friends .. Support groups and research she realises that it’s time to give up the fight .. Feeling tired, fatigued and all out of options it’s time to finally give in ..
Acceptance is not being angry at not listening sooner .. I know what I’ve done is to support myself and my family I’ve had no choice .. I can’t change any of this .. Yet I need to move on …, I know this now.. It breaks my heart …I feel lost .. I feel confused .. I feel detached .. I feel quiet as I realise how and what has brought me to where I am right now ..
I take action ..take time off work .. I seek help ..
My visit today really brought home my life .. And how listening to my brain and doing the right thing won’t fix this but enable me to function better .. Help me to make better choices about my health and gave the strength to guide my family appropriately ..
It’s early days and it’s been despcided that ivecsonecwork to do … Ive agreed to a pain management course and mindfulness .. Mindfulness to help quieten my overloaded mind .. A button to switch my standby into shutdown .. Relax .. Pace .., and balance …
I’m feeling very deep in thought right now ..I have to learn to take help… It’s hard because my purpose is I have to be ready .. Everything won’t be ok if I don’t ..
You will get this if you’ve been through this …
To be continued !!!!
Sorry for grammar and spelling just needed to get this off my chest ..